I Am Ozzy … and Some Ozzy Stories (Hard Rock) [Music History/Book]

8/10

Topic: Biography
Author: Ozzy Osbourne
Year: 2011
Pages/Hours: 14 hours, 9 minutes.
Publisher: Audible

People ask me how come I’m still alive,
and I don’t know what to say

SYNOPSIS

The final word in sex, drugs, and rock-and-roll, heavy metal leBgend Ozzy Osbourne shares his unbelievable story for the first time in this tell-all memoir.

“They’ve said some crazy things about me over the years. I mean, okay: ‘He bit the head off a bat.’ Yes. ‘He bit the head off a dove.’ Yes. But then you hear things like, ‘Ozzy went to the show last night, but he wouldn’t perform until he’d killed fifteen puppies . . .’ Now me, kill fifteen puppies? I love puppies. I’ve got eighteen of the f**king things at home. I’ve killed a few cows in my time, mind you. And the chickens. I shot the chickens in my house that night.

It haunts me, all this crazy stuff. Every day of my life has been an event. I took lethal combinations of booze and drugs for thirty f**king years. I survived a direct hit by a plane, suicidal overdoses, STDs. I’ve been accused of attempted murder. Then I almost died while riding over a bump on a quad bike at f**king two miles per hour.

People ask me how come I’m still alive, and I don’t know what to say. When I was growing up, if you’d have put me up against a wall with the other kids from my street and asked me which one of us was gonna make it to the age of sixty, which one of us would end up with five kids and four grandkids and houses in Buckinghamshire and Beverly Hills, I wouldn’t have put money on me, no f**king way. But here I am: ready to tell my story, in my own words, for the first time.

A lot of it ain’t gonna be pretty. I’ve done some bad things in my time. I’ve always been drawn to the dark side, me. But I ain’t the devil. I’m just John Osbourne: a working-class kid from Aston, who quit his job in the factory and went looking for a good time.”

OPINION

I love Black Sabbath and I love Ozzy’s early solo stuff up until the early 90’s somewhere. I haven’t even listened to the two latest solo albums since I get a feeling he wants to “be with the times” and have made some “big pant metal” for the only sake to get on the top charts. For fuck sake on the latest record he had guest artists such as Elton John, Post Malone and Travis Scott (?!?!?!?!).

I have a hard time imagine another artist besides Ozzy and Mötley Crue that have lived the same rock’n roll life to its fullest as they have. Maybe Keith Richards (Rolling Stones) and Motörheads Lemmy. Usually I’m not that interested in artists private life, but it’s funny as hell listening to his escapades.

I only wished he had more about the actual creating of the albums in the book. I don’t think he even mentions ”The Ultimate Sin”, and the other albums he never digs deep into.

STORIES

THE BAT STORY
At a live show in 1982, a fan in the audience threw something up on the stage, Osbourne picked it up and, assuming it was a toy bat, took a massive bite out of it. He soon spat it out after realising it was actually a dead bat. In his memoeirs he mention, that just to be safe, he got rabies shots afterwards.

THE WHITE HOUSE STORY
At the height of the Osbourne’s second wave of popularity in 2002, Ozzy and Sharon were invited to the esteemed Correspondents Dinner at the White House by Fox News. Ozzy got incredibly drunk, jumped around on his table and even pushed George W. Bush so far to mutter “this might have been a mistake.” Multiple media outlets at the time described the meeting as “unlikely.” At the dinner, Bush quipped whilst making a speech, “Ozzy, mom loves your stuff,” making Barbara Bush one of Black Sabbath’s highest profile fans.

THE ALAMO STORY
After a few too many drinks in Texas, Ozzy decided to take one of his drunken walks – a habit that became so common that Sharon Osbourne hid all his clothes to stop him from doing it. Sadly, this didn’t stop him. He got changed into one of Sharon’s dresses, left the house and soon after needed to empty his bladder. Ozzy found the nearest statue and went. What he didn’t know was that he was standing at the city’s sacred Cenotaph, located directly next to the Alamo building. The police did not take kindly to urinating on such a memorial and swiftly arrested Ozzy, along with a ban from San Antonio that lasted until 1992.

THE DOVE STORY
After signing the first record deal of his solo career in 1981, Ozzy’s plan was to release a set of doves into the air as what he described as a “sign of peace.” Unfortunately, due to Ozzy being intoxicated and none of the CBS Records executives noticing, it’s claimed he grabbed the closest dove, bit its head off and then spat it onto the ground with blood still dripping from his lips. That’ll get people to notice you. 

THE VICAR STORY
Being a member of the Church of England, Ozzy often had the vicar pay him a visit to his house. His first wife, Thelma, fortuitously gave the priest some cake, unaware Ozzy had laced the treat with Afghan hash. Ozzy soon returned home from the pub and after finding out what had happened, his “eyeballs nearly flew out their sockets.” The vicar soon felt the full effect and passed out. Ozzy and Thelma then had to carry him to the car and take him home and lucky for them, the vicar couldn’t recall what happened that da

The only thing I’m missing in this book is more about the music and how it was made and the sources for the lyrics and so on. I don’t think he even mention “The Ultimate Sin” and albums afterwards just with a sentence or two, but I guess he don’t remeber much of the 1980’s so … 🙂

THE ANT STORY
Now, this story Ozzy declares himself that he knows absolutly nothing about, just heard other people say it. But I wouldn’t be surprised if it was true since they where in kind of a “crazy” competition, Ozzy and Mötley Crue about who where the craziest.

The story starts on a sunny afternoon at a Florida resort/hotel where Ozzy and the Crüe had stopped on tour. Ozzy is wearing a dress that he’d stolen from the purse of an elderly woman (due to some other antics in the bar). The Ozzy/Crüe entourage is hanging by the pool when they run out of cocaine. When Nikki Sixx tells Ozzy there’s “no blow” left, Ozzy insists to be handed a straw.

In Nikki’s words:
– I handed him the straw, and he walked over to a crack in the sidewalk and bent over it. I saw a long column of ants, marching to a little dugout built where the pavement met the dirt. And as I thought, “No, he wouldn’t,” he did. He put the straw to his nose and, with his bare white ass peeking out from under the dress like a sliced honeydew, sent the entire line of ants tickling up his nose with a single, monstrous snort.

He stood up, reared back his head, and concluded with a powerful rightnostriled sniff that probably sent a stray ant or two dripping down his throat. Then he hiked up the sundress, grabbed his dick, and pissed on the pavement. Without even looking at his growing audience–everyone on the tour was watching him while the old women and families on the pool deck were pretending not to–he knelt down and, getting the dress soggy in the puddle, lapped it up. He didn’t just flick it with his tongue, he took a half-dozen long, lingering, and thorough strokes, like a cat. Then he stood up and, eyes blazing and mouth wet with urine, looked straight at me. “Do that, Sixx!”

THE DWARF STORY
John Edward Allen, a dwarf just 3ft 10in tall was hired for the duration of both Ozzys ‘Diary of a Madman’ and ‘Speak of the Devil’ tours. Osbourne’s solo career was flying and, in typical Ozzy style, he had become infatuated with the idea of introducing a dwarf to his live performances. After putting the word out, Allen was hired.

Ozzy renamed Allen “Ronnie” in what was a direct punch at the vertically challenged Ronnie James Dio who had just replaced him in Sabbath. During song intervals of live performances on the tour, Ozzy had his roadie dwarf come out and serve him drinks and hand him a towel. Many fans recall that Ozzy would make wisecracks with the crowd, saying things like “say hi to ‘Ronnie’, he lives in a little hole”. Somewhat unbelievably, Ozzy would then bring ‘Ronnie’ back out later in the show to be hung during the song ‘Goodbye to Romance’. Only in them1980’s 😂😂😂

During the Black Sabbath days

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